My beautiful bipolar life
What started as a cross country bucket list journey with my terminally ill and estranged father, evolved into a search and rescue effort. To find the little girl who got lost amongst generational trauma, domestic violence and societal expectations. I found the fearless wildflower who loved herself and was ready to change the world. In my father’s death, I discovered the life I was supposed to live, while evolving into the woman I am today. I hope this podcast is a safe place to land for those wanting to heal, grow and live an authentic life rooted in gratitude, kindness, limited f***s and yummy snacks.
My beautiful bipolar life
Journeys End in New Beginnings: A Story of Loss and Rebirth
As I held my father's hand during his final serene moments, a world of healing and self-discovery awaited me, a journey I never anticipated but have bravely embarked upon. My story today is not just about loss but the remarkable resilience that blooms in its wake. In this deeply personal episode, I pull back the curtain on the profound impact of my father's passing. I reveal the raw emotions of saying goodbye, the strength found in confronting generational trauma, and the bittersweet process of reconnecting with my estranged brother. The path of healing didn't end with farewells; it led me through the harrowing decision to leave an unhealthy relationship and the commitment to honor my father's legacy, dreams that have taken me from the Alaskan wilderness to the electric energy of the Super Bowl.
But life, as it often does, threw curveballs that tested the very core of my being. I recount the tumultuous return from Dubai, where a board member's illegal antics set off a series of events that threatened my stability, challenging my bipolar disorder like never before. Despite the chaos, I found moments of joy—from the glamour of the governor's ball with Smokey Robinson to the playful antics at my sixth Puppy Bowl—reminding me that beauty persists among life's storms. With federal investigations looming, I share the bold gesture of honoring my late father's memory at the Super Bowl, a testament to his spirit that goes beyond the Philadelphia Eagles' defeat. And in a dance across America, inspired by the likes of Pink and Stevie Nicks, I embrace the unyielding spirit of that little girl who always knew she was destined for an extraordinary life. Join me on this intimate voyage of heartache and hope, a narrative that encapsulates the essence of true resilience.
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life. I am your host, kelly Bauer. Today's episode goes back to the final day I had with my father, july 7th 2021. And just like that, his cancer journey was over Quiet, peaceful and pain free. I held his hand, staring at his face, memorizing every detail. Ironically, marijuana the habit I despised was the thing that made it possible for him to die of lung cancer that metastasized who was spine and brain happy, without a single drop of prescription medicine in his body. I sat for a moment in gratitude and love, knowing that my life would never be the same, but that the lessons, healing, forgiveness, love and his fight would not die with him, that it would all be worth it. Albert Einstein taught me that my father was energy and that energy does not go away. I promised myself that he would live forever in me and lives would be changed. For 15 months, we broke generational trauma, healed, loved, evolved and, most importantly, lived. We lived like we were dying. But I am still here.
Speaker 1:My first order of business reconnect with my brother and his children. There is not much in this world that matters more to me than my nieces. My brother and I had not spoken in years. He chose not to see my dad during his journey. I understood his decision. He came in the end to make his peace and I respected him for that. But my brother didn't just come to say goodbye. He showed up for me in a time that I needed love. There was no big discussion, just two siblings grieving and navigating a new normal. I will be forever grateful for that time with my brother and with his girls.
Speaker 1:Second on my list leave the father of my son. I realized that day how alone I was in my own house, that I owed it to myself to never again let a man disrespect my value. To honor the work that we did to heal. 11 days after my dad died, I asked him to leave. He refused which I knew he would, and so I had to get a PFA. I would try over the next few months to be amicable, but it was over.
Speaker 1:I spent 25 years of my life with that man and as I sit here talking about him, it's like he's a character in a book. I am so far from that woman and I would never allow that behavior again, that when I talk about it it really is with no emotion. Three years later, I don't feel anything, not anger, not love, just nothing. I am really proud of that growth and through that I recognized that he didn't love himself. He wanted to love me, but the unhealed parts of him couldn't allow it. I know his soul and that's what I loved. Unfortunately, his body was the wrong house, a victim of generational trauma and repeated cycles.
Speaker 1:I would spend the next few months in a fog of grief. The first month was filled with paperwork, obligations and my half-sister teaching me lessons on self-love, boundaries and greed. My father had nothing a nomad truly. He gave his money to his ex to raise my half-brother. I can't call her a wife because she lied to the court about her age, so I don't think the marriage was ever legal. But who am I to say? I mean, I do have the marriage certificate and it clearly shows that she says she's much younger, but I have never met my half-brother. I have never met my half-brother. When I was a baby, I went to visit and his mother kept him upstairs. She refused to let me see him. I do not know him and I despise her. So that is likely all I will ever say about them.
Speaker 1:August was my dad's birthday. He died just shy of his 64th birthday and there was nothing more that I wanted to do than to check off the two things that we didn't get done Camping in Alaska and watching the Eagles win the Super Bowl in person. So I set out to do both and on August 25th in Sitka, alaska, I summoned the goddess, betty White and best friend in my head, sandra Bullock, and with the help of Lil Jon a $5 cake topper and my soul sister, I took my father camping in Alaska to celebrate his life and my soul sister's birth. I would also take what was left of the $10,000 that my dad had in Burrell Insurance and have a family vacation in North Carolina, the place that we spent every summer during our childhood. Next up was the big promise when he got sick, I promised him that if the Eagles made it to the Super Bowl, I would take him when they won in 2018,. Neither of us could afford to go. I wish we had done it, but that wasn't our story.
Speaker 1:But first I would have to go through the worst pain of my life, the thing that would test my physical and mental strength, the moment that would forever change how I saw myself as a mother. On the same day, I lost my soul dog. The previous year, my son would enter a psychotic episode. Out of respect for my son, I will only say that I am alive because I did not allow myself to die. I counted at least 50 blows to the head and face, one so severe that I have a scar on my cheek. That was the last time my son lived in my home. Two weeks later, I would spend Christmas alone on a cruise, without my son, without a partner, without my dad. In three months I had lost every man in my life. And just one month later my world would change again.
Speaker 1:After a trip to Dubai, I came back to work to discover that a board member in the organization that I worked for broke the law. That action would be the catalyst for some of the darkest days in my life. He would also change everything that I thought to be true and would test every ounce of strength, resilience and take my bipolar to places it had never been. But during that time I would see parts of the country people only dream of. I danced to Smokey Robinson at the governor's ball. I would go to the puppy bowl for the sixth time. I honored my dad's death and healed by living as of the recording of this podcast. There is a federal investigation into the allegations that I have made. Therefore, I cannot say anything more at this time.
Speaker 1:But with camping in Alaska behind me, I had one last thing to do.
Speaker 1:So in the last few minutes of the last quarter against the Niners, I paid $8,000 that I did not have because I had just lost my job to go to the Super Bowl To take my father's ashes, to watch the Eagles win.
Speaker 1:And even though we didn't walk away with a Super Bowl ring, my father's daughter managed to sneak him into both end zones before the game so he could watch the good seats where the players' families were sitting, and just a stone throw from the Eagles end zone. I drank in the VIP lounge, saw Cheryl Crow perform and ate the rich people's food, and when it was done, instead of flying home the next day, I decided to dance across America with inspiration from the other best friend in my head, pink. I danced. I was a gypsy, like Stevie, and for 28 days I did what made my soul feel alive. I promised myself I would never do anything again. That wouldn't be approved by the 8-year-old girl who looked in the mirror and said I am not normal. No, you aren't sweet girl. Now let's go fuck some shit up and change the world.