My beautiful bipolar life
What started as a cross country bucket list journey with my terminally ill and estranged father, evolved into a search and rescue effort. To find the little girl who got lost amongst generational trauma, domestic violence and societal expectations. I found the fearless wildflower who loved herself and was ready to change the world. In my father’s death, I discovered the life I was supposed to live, while evolving into the woman I am today. I hope this podcast is a safe place to land for those wanting to heal, grow and live an authentic life rooted in gratitude, kindness, limited f***s and yummy snacks.
My beautiful bipolar life
Embracing Goodbye: A Journey of Resilience, Love, and Gratitude
The rollercoaster of life's harshest trials has a way of unveiling the profound strength and gratitude within us all. Join me, Kelly Bauer, as I take you on a deeply personal journey marked by my father's battle with cancer, the cherished moments filming the Puppy Bowl, and the unforeseen tragedy of my son's accident. Our latest episode is a testament to the resilience of family bonds and the unexpected places where hope can be found—like the idea for a community-supporting cafe born in the quiet of an ICU bathroom. Listen in as we navigate the complexities of grief and the bittersweet process of learning to let go, including the farewell to my beloved pit bull, Jackson, amidst a Christmas of poignant firsts and lasts.
There's an indescribable poignancy in the final conversations between a parent and child, something this episode explores with raw honesty. I'll share the treasured six weeks I had with my father, filled with music and laughter, which later gave way to an intimate goodbye that will forever be etched in my heart. The narrative reaches a crescendo as I recount the sacred moment of his passing, providing a space for listeners to reflect on love, loss, and the serenity of being present in the final chapter of a loved one's life story. Experience the emotional farewell and the peace that comes with embracing the beauty in goodbye.
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life. I am your host, kelly Bauer. On today's episode, we're going to be heading to May 16th, 2021. The cancer has likely moved to his spinal cord. I wouldn't recommend further treatment and just like that, the world stopped. This was the moment the doctors at Fox Chased warned me about that. His body would stop responding to treatment and he would go downhill fast Up until May 16th.
Speaker 1:It felt like my dad would beat cancer. When we got home from our trip I saw a renewed sense of life in him. He began walking at least a mile a day, even during chemotherapy. A friend had taught me about RSO, which is short for Rick Simpson Oil. It's essentially THC in its purest form. My dad would take a gram a day to fight cancer, but also the effects of the chemotherapy. Honestly, life was incredible. My dad and I were connecting, healing and doing everything we could to not only keep him alive but to live our best life.
Speaker 1:It was October and we had just gotten home filming the puppy bowl in upstate New York. I took my dad as my assistant. As executive director of the Center for Animal Health and Welfare in Eastern PA, I had secured a six-year run with the puppy bowl filmed by Animal Planet. Being part of filming is such an awesome experience. My dad had always wanted to visit the Adirondacks, so it was kind of the perfect mix. I could take my dad and make him proud of something I accomplished, but we could also expand our bucket list journey. When we weren't filming, we spent the days exploring Lake George and decided we would make this trip about taking silly pictures. Being silly was something I never saw in my dad. Watching him feel safe enough to let his guard down was beautiful. I had never seen that side of him.
Speaker 1:I came home on cloud nine, grateful, proud, excited for my career and all that was coming. There was so much hope in our lives, despite what was going on with my father. We were home for two days when I got the phone call that collapsed my world. Just one month after dropping my autistic son off at Hiramji Andrews, a college for disabled adults in Johnstown, pa, I got the call that every parent has nightmares about. My son was in a terrible accident and the state trooper couldn't tell me his current condition. His father and I made the four-hour drive to Pittsburgh where he had been airlifted, not sure if my son would be alive by the time we got there. Luckily, my dad was able to take care of himself during that time. It's amazing how, even in the worst times, there is always something to be grateful for.
Speaker 1:Because he was unconscious and an adult, the hospital would not give me information about my son. Over the phone, all they would say is that he suffered a severe traumatic brain injury. I walked into his room terrified but angry. Angry at myself, angry at his friends, just angry, but mostly because I was scared. He begged me to let him go out with his friends. I said no ten times. I knew my son. I couldn't trust his decision-making, but I finally gave in to my better judgment. I wish I had trusted my intuition. It wasn't just a mother's fear. I knew something would go wrong and I was right. He fell off the back of a moving truck while holding a grill. The grill landed on his head, crushing the right side of his brain. My child should not be alive. I want to say that again. I know my child should not be alive. Little did I know how this day would change our lives.
Speaker 1:Just 14 months later, I spent 30 days in the ICU with my son While he slept and allowed his body to heal. I sat on a toilet in his bathroom, working every day. It was during that time that I would create a proposal. I wanted to bring the Lehigh Valley's first ever cafe to the area and I wanted it to benefit our shelter and support our local community. That dream would later become a reality, and it all began on a toilet in the ICU of a Pittsburgh hospital.
Speaker 1:On November 20th, just two days before my birthday, my son and I walked through the door of our home, grateful and exhausted. The first thing I did was greet my dogs, seven in total. The bad news bears the unadoptables. I loved them all for so many reasons, but my soul belonged to Jackson, a pit bull whose gaze melted my heart and served as a reminder of what unconditional love should feel like. You better marry a man that looks at you the way that Jackson looks at me. I would tell my friends it was the very look that I got that day.
Speaker 1:I got home emotionally and physically exhausted, but knowing there was still so much more fight left with my dad. But for that night I just wanted to snuggle with my Jackson. I immediately sensed that something was wrong. I thought maybe it was stress. Jackson didn't eat much but was drinking and going to the bathroom okay. Three days later I saw blood in his stool and I immediately took him to the vet. They suspected HGE a gastrointestinal disorder. He needed a blood transfusion or he would die. Four days and $6,000 later, jackson was on his way home with a 50% chance of survival. Just a little over a month after I almost lost my son, there was a 50% chance that I was going to lose my soul, dog. Two weeks later, on December 12th, I had to rush Jackson to the emergency room and on that day I would lose part of my soul. And as I held the best boy ever in my arms, singing you are my sunshine, as I tried my hardest to not cry, I told him I loved him and I thanked him for loving me. I held him until his final breath and when it was over I cried, finally able to let out all of the emotions that I had held in making sure that his final moments were peaceful and loving.
Speaker 1:Christmas was just around the corner. This would be my first Christmas without Jackson, the first with my son after his accident and the last one I would spend with my dad. I did my best to be joyful, so I focused on what I could control. I still had my dad and my son. I was definitely grateful, but my heart was broken. My dad and I shared a childlike wonder when it came to Christmas. We loved going to the Hershey Lights. They were magical. My favorite part was cooking Christmas dinner All of my dad's favorite foods. I could always count on him to boost my ego. He loved my cooking.
Speaker 1:Up next was New Year's Eve and I had no time for resolutions. All I wanted was more time. The next five months were spent trying to save my dad's life and squeeze out every single amount of joy that we could find. I knew it was a long shot, but I really did try everything I could to help my dad survive To this day. It's the only thing that I failed at. We continued to travel, eat lots of ice cream and build a beautiful friendship rooted in unconditional love. I now know that my dad knew it was his time to go. He fought for me. He made sure I got everything I needed to heal, evolve and eventually thrive. He did what I had always wanted. He made me a priority. Funny thing is, I still believe we could have beat it, but that wasn't our journey, and on May 16th 2021, my dad prepared to go into hospice. It couldn't have been worse timing. I had a birthday trip planned for my son's birthday. We would go to St Martin to celebrate his birth but, most importantly, his life. Let me just say when things are bad, you will find out who has your back.
Speaker 1:Getting care outside of hospice hours for my father was difficult. I will not disparage anyone's choices, but I will say that my mother stepped up for a man that really didn't deserve it, and for that I will always be amazed and grateful for her level of forgiveness. My dad loved my mom until the day he died. He always called her the one that got away. He spent the last four years of his life trying to win back her love and although he didn't win her back, he gained her respect. That respect would get him through the hardest year of his life and allow me to witness love for my parents in a healthy way, something I had never seen when my dad died. They were friends and it was a beautiful ode to a 45-year journey that began as teenagers. I am so grateful that I had my mom beside me as I helped my dad transition.
Speaker 1:It was six weeks of love, singing along to James Taylor's greatest hits, watching ghost hunters beat Bobby Flay and ESPN, all while soaking up every ounce of my dad that I could. I would study his face, record our conversations, anything I could do to feel his presence. I feel so grateful to have our last conversation on video. My dad hadn't been verbal in a week. That morning I walked in and said good morning, as I always did. To my surprise, he said good morning, cal, and I immediately started crying. I asked him if he was feeling better and he said much better. He then went on to tell me how proud he was of me, that we were a good team and that he loved me. It was the last time I heard my dad's voice.
Speaker 1:On July 6th I went to bed knowing my father was going to die. Each night we would lay in bed and I would sing James Taylor. He was no longer verbal, but he understood. His sister was up, visiting from North Carolina, and was sleeping in his room. I knew he was going to go, but I was afraid to lose him, so I went to bed pretending it was because she was there. Really, I just wasn't ready to say goodbye and I fooled myself into thinking that I could create more time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, but it was in fact time and I'm so grateful that when I walked into my dad's room that next morning at 7 am he was still alive.
Speaker 1:He had waited for me. I walked over to give him a kiss and say good morning. He looked into my eyes, took a deep breath and began what hospice calls the death breathing. There is no pain, but their body is leaving. So I called the hospice nurse. At 8 am she came to the house and confirmed it. I asked for a moment, walked into the bathroom and let out a sound that I can only describe as half scream and half howling from pain. I walked back in the room laid down with my father, grabbed his hand, intertwined his fingers into mine and in that exact moment he took his last breath in my arms. It was the most beautiful end to a magical journey of love, healing and hope.