My beautiful bipolar life
What started as a cross country bucket list journey with my terminally ill and estranged father, evolved into a search and rescue effort. To find the little girl who got lost amongst generational trauma, domestic violence and societal expectations. I found the fearless wildflower who loved herself and was ready to change the world. In my father’s death, I discovered the life I was supposed to live, while evolving into the woman I am today. I hope this podcast is a safe place to land for those wanting to heal, grow and live an authentic life rooted in gratitude, kindness, limited f***s and yummy snacks.
My beautiful bipolar life
Discovering the Heartbeat of America: A Father-Daughter Odyssey Through Pain and Healing
Embark with me, Kelly Bauer, on a deeply emotional expedition across the American landscape, one that weaves through the formidable Grand Canyon to the soulful rhythm of New Orleans, all while unraveling the intricate threads of a relationship between a father and daughter. With each mile, we peel back the layers of my father's silent struggle with cancer, his battle with PTSD, and the scars of mental illness, revealing not just the pain but also the profound moments of joy and revelation. From witnessing my dad's dream come true on the edge of the Grand Canyon to sharing the vibrance of the streets of New Orleans, these are the stories of dreams realized, of simple Southern comforts, and of long-sought healing.
The journey doesn't pause at just sightseeing; it's a pilgrimage of transformation and acceptance. As the train carves its way through the breathtaking Royal Gorge, we share laughter and tears, embracing the beauty of unconditional love that softens even the toughest of exteriors. The ghostly whispers of Savannah offer unexpected wisdom, steering us towards a new understanding of belief and possibility. Join us for an intimate glimpse into the power of forgiveness, the discovery of self-worth, and the unspoken bond that defines family. This is more than an adventure—it's a passage through the heart, and you're invited to come along for the ride.
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life. I am your host, kelly Bauer. On today's episode, we are going to journey back to the day that began the greatest bucket list journey in history August 15th 2020. We made it just four days after my father's 63rd birthday. We began our 17-day bucket list journey on August 15th Grand Canyon, las Vegas, denver, new Orleans and Savannah All the places my father had never been a conversation we just had in January. Looking back, I think my dad knew he had cancer and didn't tell me that he would let it run its course just as his father had done. I Remember asking him if he was dying. When he told me he was going to travel the country in his car, he laughed it off and we didn't speak of it again.
Speaker 1:My first goal in my father's cancer journey was accomplished he made it to his 63rd birthday. Next was the open road. At this point, covid was in full swing. A cruise was supposed to be part of our itinerary, but it was canceled prior to the trip, so our first stop was the Grand Canyon, the place my father was most excited to visit. The canyon was perfect just us and nature. It was never on my must-see list, but I will tell you if you can go. It was so majestic and peaceful. The first thing my dad was take off his shirt and light up a joint. He said being high at the Grand Canyon was his life's dream. Because addiction was such a part of my life growing up, that statement absolutely disgusted me, but now I get it.
Speaker 1:One thing that I learned from our time together was to accept my father as he was. It helped me to understand him, his struggles with PTSD from war, physical mental abuse from his parents, mental illness. I Would learn that our brains were more like than I had ever realized. When I looked at my father as Randy, the human being, the adult, and not dad, it changed everything. It didn't mean I forgot what he did, but I did forgive him for everything and it wasn't a pass because he was dying. It was a chance for me to heal and help find the little girl who got lost. I Later realized that I could honor his death by Living a life that was authentic, peaceful and aligned with my life's purpose. I Could only get that with forgiveness, and although his attitude was amazing overall, his bad habits would creep in. I Would remind him that although I love him, I have no obligation to care for him. I Acknowledged his fear and pain, but I also reminded him that I was not responsible for it and I would not accept anything less than respect and love. I only had to do that a handful of times. He really was trying to be not only the best version of himself, but he also wanted to be the dad I needed.
Speaker 1:So next stop Vegas. I was still working during my trip. It's funny that the worst year of my personal life was the best in my career. We had just arrived at the Waldorf Historia, a place that I could only afford during COVID Because I'm a Diamond member of Hilton. I asked for an upgrade. They gave us a corner suite. It was magical and I was so grateful. Hilton really is the best. I love Hilton.
Speaker 1:But that didn't stop my dad from being agitated. I had spent the last hour and a half on a call with my board. After hours he wanted me to get off the call because he was hungry. That wasn't something that was happening since chemo and I really should have gotten off, but I wanted my board to know that I was committed to my work. I wish I had loved myself more and realized that I was enough. I had just secured the largest bequest in the organization's history.
Speaker 1:But as a trauma survivor, I always felt the need to prove my worth. Societal expectations enforce that notion. I finished my call and, for the first time in my life, I told my father exactly how I felt. That moment would change everything. It was then that I began to realize my worth and would actively begin to eliminate anything that said less. The last time I was in Vegas, my partner tried to end my life. It was so poetically tragic that the next time I would be here would be because my father was going to die.
Speaker 1:Later in this podcast, you will learn about my third trip to Vegas in 2023. A true testament to the work and love that I poured into myself during my dad's journey. I have to say my favorite part of Vegas was watching my dad make a wish as he blew out his candles on his first ever baked Alaska at the top of the world restaurant in the Strat Hotel. Watching the grin on his face, as if he already knew his wish would come true, is something I will never forget. I didn't ask him what the wish was because it wouldn't come true, but I could tell by the look on his face. That wish was for me and he just knew it was going to come true.
Speaker 1:Next up was the place I was most excited for New Orleans. That place feels like home to me. For me, new Orleans is about living out loud. I love the culture, food, music and especially the people. I have to say that when a black woman in New Orleans calls me baby, I felt like she just put all the good juju on me. Truly, it fills my heart with joy.
Speaker 1:I took my dad to all of my favorite places, including the New Orleans School of Cooking. I shared my story with the instructor and he picked my dad to help him cook. Watching him up there cooking and smiling and truly living his best life Got me a level of gratitude and joy that is immeasurable. But my favorite experience was the swamp boat tour my whole life. If I asked my dad something and he didn't really care or wasn't paying attention, he would just kind of say yeah, flippantly. I remember being on the boat and asking him if he was having fun and he just kind of turned to me and said yeah. I think he saw the look in my eyes because he realized what he had done and quickly said that was pretty neat, with a really, really wide smile. Smiling was something he had not done in many, many years. The man known for a beautiful smile had let it deteriorate from smoking and depression. He had not smiled like that for a long time. But over the course of our journey he never stopped smiling, even in his final days.
Speaker 1:Through New Orleans. We headed to Denver. My dad loved trains. We had taken one while we were in the Grand Canyon and I found a dinner ride through the Royal Gorge. It was breathtaking and the food was incredible. Watching my dad stare out the window like an eight-year-old boy with such wonder and awe was a gift.
Speaker 1:My dad spent his career in the military. He grew up with physical abuse. He was tough by design and life. Watching his exterior soften made me proud. My unconditional love was allowing him to be free of his trauma. It was magical. Last stop was one of my absolute favorite places on Earth Savannah, georgia. All I cared about was sweet tea, mac and cheese and gophers. My dad wanted to go on a ghost tour, which I was surprised by. I didn't even realize that he believed in ghosts Watching him during that tour. Let me see another side of him. That moment would set a trajectory for the things that would change my life forever. It would open my mind and heart to things that I never dreamed of. It would be the catalyst for a life filled with possibilities, impossible becoming more and more of a fleeting thought.