My beautiful bipolar life
What started as a cross country bucket list journey with my terminally ill and estranged father, evolved into a search and rescue effort. To find the little girl who got lost amongst generational trauma, domestic violence and societal expectations. I found the fearless wildflower who loved herself and was ready to change the world. In my father’s death, I discovered the life I was supposed to live, while evolving into the woman I am today. I hope this podcast is a safe place to land for those wanting to heal, grow and live an authentic life rooted in gratitude, kindness, limited f***s and yummy snacks.
My beautiful bipolar life
Navigating the Storm: A Journey of Healing and Self-Love
Embark on an emotional odyssey with me, Kelly Bauer, as I navigate the perilous waters of a 26-year relationship marred by abuse, infidelity, and chaos—a mirror of the turbulent childhood that shaped me. This intimate exploration goes beyond mere reflection, providing a beacon of hope for those grappling with similar struggles. Together, we'll traverse the path of self-discovery to redemption, illustrating the power of loving oneself above all else. Through my experiences, I invite you to find solace, inspiration, and the courage to break free from the chains of the past, propelling you toward a life you truly deserve.
Hello everyone, my name is Kelly Bauer and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life. This podcast came about after a three-year journey that changed my life. It began as an obligation to care for my father, who was dying of cancer. I was the only one who was willing to step up. I never hesitated nor wavered in my decision to care for him. For better or for worse, it is, and always will be who I am. What I wasn't prepared for were the gifts that I would receive during the 15 months we spent together. In order to understand the process, let's go back to where it began. So for the next seven episodes, we are going to travel back in time to the days that led to my rebirth. Please note that there will be a lot of issues tackled in this podcast that can be triggering for some. Please know it comes from a place of love, healing and growth. I hope you'll sit with me as we journey back to February 27th 2020.
Speaker 1:What the fuck is wrong with you? The words I kept repeating as I was flying home from Las Vegas. A Valentine's Day gift to the father of my child. An effort to save our often on relationship of 26 years. One marked with abuse, infidelity and chaos, a perfect reflection of the environment I grew up in as an absent, abusive father and a mom who never healed her own traumas but was trying to give me and my siblings what she thought was a normal life. Chaos was comfortable to me. Flying home from Vegas, I refused to sit next to him After he nearly strangled me to death in the hotel room that I paid for two nights prior. Seeing eleven rows back glaring at me, I could feel it from behind me, sending me threatening messages. He should have been in jail, but this was more than I had done before. I knew the tide was finally shifting. The choices I've made and meant throughout my entire life are what most people would call daddy issues, a mirror of the relationship I had with my own father. I believe that most people have unhealed generational trauma. This podcast will dive into not only recognizing it, but how you can grow, heal and prosper in the idea that we are not bound to who we were. The most important thing I hope you learn is that it's not only okay, but it is mandatory to love yourself more than anyone else if you want to live the life that you deserve. Loving you most allows you to forgive yourself and others in ways you never could. It sets an expectation of who has access to you. It puts a value on your life that cannot be taken away.
Speaker 1:Walking into my house, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. My father was supposed to be in charge of our autistic son, but neither of them was anywhere to be found. Years later, my father showed up drunk. As a child, this was second nature. As my father grew older, I did see him make changes to be a better person. Today was not an example of those changes.
Speaker 1:His breath, an instant flashback of violence, cruel words and careless actions. Honestly, I can't even remember why we argued, but I can tell you exactly what his eyes looked like. I can still smell the beer and I can still feel him grabbing me by my throat and pushing me to the bed, ironically being pulled off by the man who had just done the same thing two days earlier. I'm not sure why, but that visual sent me into a rage. Mostly, I was mad at myself. I cocked back my fist and punched him in the face as hard as I could. I wanted him to feel my disappointment, my sadness, my betrayal. I will never forget the look on his face. It still haunts me. It was shame, regret, sadness, bravado and anger, clearly filled by all the generational trauma that he never healed. It was everything that I hated and loved about my father, the man who would never give me the love I was desperately searching for my entire childhood.
Speaker 1:He left and a month later I received this letter. Dear Kelly, I am a stupid, jerk, asshole, loser, whose behavior the other night was inexcusable. I have been filled with remorse ever since I finally decided I had to write to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. If possible, tell Mike and Cameron that I apologized to them also and that I hoped no one was hurt. In closing, I would like you to know that I love you and I'm very proud of what you have accomplished in life. If there were a way to send hugs and kisses, I would send a ton of both. Love you more, dad.